I don’t know about you, but I love reading autobiographies and watching documentaries about famous musicians. I love learning about the lives that shaped them into the creative people they are. I love hearing about the moments that pushed them to keep going. I enjoy hearing about the ups and downs in their careers and the inspiration for the songs that I love. Recently, I was watching the Garth Brooks documentary on Netflix: The Road I’m On. He was talking about his parents and the lessons they taught him growing up. It got me thinking that every autobiography I have read and every documentary I have watched each have a moment when the musician talks about his parents and childhood. Sometimes the memories are good and sometimes they are bad, but somehow it made a profound impact on the rest of their lives.
I have read and heard stories from abuse and abandonment to loving, caring parents whose words of wisdom have served as a guide throughout the lives of the musicians. Now of course, the musicians don’t give you a complete retelling of their childhood but, rather they express the type of childhood they had through a few poignant memories, which have stuck with them throughout their lives. In these moments you get a glimpse into how they think and how they perceive the world. Oftentimes, you start to get a sense of why they write and perform the types of songs they sing just from these small glimpses into their childhood.
I’ve always found these stories interesting but now as a father when I see these stories, it makes me wonder: What kind of memories am I forming for my kids? If my kids were to be famous and they were being interviewed, what kind of stories would they tell about their childhood? How would they describe me as a father? As a man? Will they talk about the nights that I work long hours and they barely get to see me, or will they talk about the moments when we play fight around the house? Will they talk about the trips to the store when I decide to get them a special treat or the days when we were so broke that they could read the stress on my face as I try to decide what we can actually afford to buy? Will they talk about the times we were all being goofy together or the days when I was frustrated and couldn’t be bothered? What kind of childhood would they say they had?
I would be lying if I said these questions didn’t haunt me at times, especially on the bad days. On days when I know I have lost my cool, I can’t help but sit and wonder if I have somehow created a memory that will shape their view of the world in a negative way. Have I damaged their feelings of self-worth? Did they go to bed wondering if I really loved them? Are they going to forever face the world with less confidence because of how I reacted in the moment? I suppose these worries may seem silly. It was just one moment; it isn’t indicative of the type of father that I am. While I know this is true and I know that everybody makes mistakes, I also know that the memories we hold onto are just a series of brief moments and we have no way of knowing which ones will leave the biggest impressions.
I know one way or another I will leave a lasting impression on my kids. I can look back at my childhood and recognize how my parents helped shaped the way I look at the world and the way I think. I wouldn’t say they were the only influencers in my life, but I would most certainly say they were the biggest. Its simply unavoidable. I’m going to leave an impression on my kids; obviously, I want to leave the best possible impression possible.
I try my best to be a good father. I want to give the best to my kids. I want them to know how important they are and how much I love them. I want them to look back on their childhood with fond memories. I would like to be the type of father that they would want to be like when they get older. The type of father that they call with questions because they trust me to give good, solid advice. That’s the father I want to be, but I don’t feel like I’m there.
I have had people tell me “I’m a good father” or “You’re doing a great job.” I appreciate the compliment, but the truth is when they say it, I feel guilty. I don’t feel like I measure up to that description. They say I’m good, but they didn’t see me raise my voice out of frustration the night before. They didn’t see me in the moments when I had no idea what to do. They didn’t see how I got annoyed because my son interrupted the tv show I was watching to tell me a story about what he did that day.
I’m far from perfect. I don’t have it all together, in fact, I probably don’t even know where all of it is. Hopefully, I haven’t ever given anyone that impression. I am broken. I deal with self-doubt and a complete lack of confidence. I often don’t know what to do or even what direction I should go in. Perhaps all the other fathers are just as lost as I am, but it certainly doesn’t feel that way. It has always seemed like so many fathers out there just inherently know what to do or what to say. I love my kids; the love came immediately and naturally but I often find myself with absolutely no idea how to talk to them. In fact, I constantly find myself in situations where I feel completely inadequate.
The truth is I’m not capable of giving my kids the perfect life that I want to give them. I’m not capable of being a perfect father. I can’t promise they won’t have any painful memories. Regardless if I like it or not, some of my worst moments as a father are likely going to take effect on them as adults. Now of course that doesn’t mean that I won’t try my best to outweigh the bad with the good. It doesn’t mean I won’t try to improve every single day. I will always strive to be better for them and I will always put my efforts into creating good memories and giving wisdom whenever I can.
So, I can’t guarantee their autobiographies will portray me as the perfect father. I can’t offer them a perfect childhood or perfect memories but what I can do is introduce them to a perfect Father that can offer them a perfect eternity. Not just that, but He can even help to erase whatever damage my inadequacies may cause. So I suppose I have to make a decision: do I want to spend my time concentrating on giving them the perfect life which I know will only end in failure or do I want to spend my time concentrating on introducing them to a Father that can give them everything I can’t? Do I want to spend my life fighting a losing battle or, do I want to spend my energy giving my boys an ally that has already won every battle?
I know I have a lot of flaws and regardless of my intentions, those flaws are going to shine through in my parenting. I will have bad days when I get frustrated, I’m going to say the wrong thing and at some points I’m going to hurt my kids. The mistakes are going to leave a mark one way or another. The only real question is how deep will the cut be and therefore how big of a scar will it leave. Not only will my mistakes leave their mark, but they will undoubtedly face their own battles in life. Battles I can’t fight for them; some I won’t know about and others I just won’t be there for them like I would like to be. Others battles I just simply won’t be able to win. I must be honest, when I look at it like this, the future for my kids looks pretty bleak.
Even though I know, I will do everything I can to help them throughout their lives. I will use every ounce of strength I have to fight for them. I will sacrifice my time to be there when they need me. I will use all of my knowledge to guide them past the pitfalls. I will spend every dollar I can spare to make sure they not only have what they need, but also bless them with gifts as often as I can. At the end of the day I’m not strong enough to fight and win every battle. I don’t have enough time to be there every time for all time. I don’t have enough wisdom to tell them everything they need to know. I will never have enough money to give them everything they need and desire. But the good news is I know somebody capable of doing all those things.
I know somebody that can heal any wounds I inflict and prevent the scars from forming. He has already defeated every evil in the world and even death itself. He is not only eternal but he is everywhere all the time so I know he will never leave my son’s side. He is all knowing and is willing to share the knowledge with us if we only ask. His riches are eternal and beyond measure. I know I can’t be the father I want to be but thanks to God I can be the father I need to be. Then I will let Him do the rest. I will raise my sons to know Him, not so I can shirk off my responsibilities, but because a father will give his kids any advantage he can and what better advantage can I offer than being a child of the One True King? I still want them to come to me with their problems. I still want to help them and to give them advice, but I know when I can’t, God can. Knowing God can and will allows me to shed the weight of my guilt and inabilities not only to do a better job for my kids but to enjoy the time with my kids. I want my kids to have as many allies as possible. Sometimes when the pain is so great, it is hard to call out to God. When that happens, I will be there and I will use my voice to call out to God for them until we can call out together. Sometimes the shame is so great it is hard to go to our parents and when that happens I want them to call to God so He can remind them, the love of a father is unconditional and I will never reject them.
I still hope if my kids are ever interviewed, they will speak fondly of me and have great memories to retell. I still hope they relay some profound wisdom I shared which helped to guide them. However, what I can promise you is my kids will know God. They will know His love and His provision. They will know His kindness and share it with the world. They will know the name of Jesus and the mercy He showed on the cross. If I can leave my kids knowing Elohim, I will know they can know where to find the answers to all of life’s questions. At the end of the day, what more can I ask for?
I don’t know about you, but I love reading autobiographies and watching documentaries about famous musicians. I love learning about the lives that shaped them into the creative people they are. I love hearing about the moments that pushed them to keep going. I enjoy hearing about the ups and downs in their careers and the inspiration for the songs that I love. Recently, I was watching the Garth Brooks documentary on Netflix: The Road I’m On. He was talking about his parents and the lessons they taught him growing up. It got me thinking that every autobiography I have read and every documentary I have watched each have a moment when the musician talks about his parents and childhood. Sometimes the memories are good and sometimes they are bad, but somehow it made a profound impact on the rest of their lives.
I have read and heard stories from abuse and abandonment to loving, caring parents whose words of wisdom have served as a guide throughout the lives of the musicians. Now of course, the musicians don’t give you a complete retelling of their childhood but, rather they express the type of childhood they had through a few poignant memories, which have stuck with them throughout their lives. In these moments you get a glimpse into how they think and how they perceive the world. Oftentimes, you start to get a sense of why they write and perform the types of songs they sing just from these small glimpses into their childhood.
I’ve always found these stories interesting but now as a father when I see these stories, it makes me wonder: What kind of memories am I forming for my kids? If my kids were to be famous and they were being interviewed, what kind of stories would they tell about their childhood? How would they describe me as a father? As a man? Will they talk about the nights that I work long hours and they barely get to see me, or will they talk about the moments when we play fight around the house? Will they talk about the trips to the store when I decide to get them a special treat or the days when we were so broke that they could read the stress on my face as I try to decide what we can actually afford to buy? Will they talk about the times we were all being goofy together or the days when I was frustrated and couldn’t be bothered? What kind of childhood would they say they had?
I would be lying if I said these questions didn’t haunt me at times, especially on the bad days. On days when I know I have lost my cool, I can’t help but sit and wonder if I have somehow created a memory that will shape their view of the world in a negative way. Have I damaged their feelings of self-worth? Did they go to bed wondering if I really loved them? Are they going to forever face the world with less confidence because of how I reacted in the moment? I suppose these worries may seem silly. It was just one moment; it isn’t indicative of the type of father that I am. While I know this is true and I know that everybody makes mistakes, I also know that the memories we hold onto are just a series of brief moments and we have no way of knowing which ones will leave the biggest impressions.
I know one way or another I will leave a lasting impression on my kids. I can look back at my childhood and recognize how my parents helped shaped the way I look at the world and the way I think. I wouldn’t say they were the only influencers in my life, but I would most certainly say they were the biggest. Its simply unavoidable. I’m going to leave an impression on my kids; obviously, I want to leave the best possible impression possible.
I try my best to be a good father. I want to give the best to my kids. I want them to know how important they are and how much I love them. I want them to look back on their childhood with fond memories. I would like to be the type of father that they would want to be like when they get older. The type of father that they call with questions because they trust me to give good, solid advice. That’s the father I want to be, but I don’t feel like I’m there.
I have had people tell me “I’m a good father” or “You’re doing a great job.” I appreciate the compliment, but the truth is when they say it, I feel guilty. I don’t feel like I measure up to that description. They say I’m good, but they didn’t see me raise my voice out of frustration the night before. They didn’t see me in the moments when I had no idea what to do. They didn’t see how I got annoyed because my son interrupted the tv show I was watching to tell me a story about what he did that day.
I’m far from perfect. I don’t have it all together, in fact, I probably don’t even know where all of it is. Hopefully, I haven’t ever given anyone that impression. I am broken. I deal with self-doubt and a complete lack of confidence. I often don’t know what to do or even what direction I should go in. Perhaps all the other fathers are just as lost as I am, but it certainly doesn’t feel that way. It has always seemed like so many fathers out there just inherently know what to do or what to say. I love my kids; the love came immediately and naturally but I often find myself with absolutely no idea how to talk to them. In fact, I constantly find myself in situations where I feel completely inadequate.
The truth is I’m not capable of giving my kids the perfect life that I want to give them. I’m not capable of being a perfect father. I can’t promise they won’t have any painful memories. Regardless if I like it or not, some of my worst moments as a father are likely going to take effect on them as adults. Now of course that doesn’t mean that I won’t try my best to outweigh the bad with the good. It doesn’t mean I won’t try to improve every single day. I will always strive to be better for them and I will always put my efforts into creating good memories and giving wisdom whenever I can.
So, I can’t guarantee their autobiographies will portray me as the perfect father. I can’t offer them a perfect childhood or perfect memories but what I can do is introduce them to a perfect Father that can offer them a perfect eternity. Not just that, but He can even help to erase whatever damage my inadequacies may cause. So I suppose I have to make a decision: do I want to spend my time concentrating on giving them the perfect life which I know will only end in failure or do I want to spend my time concentrating on introducing them to a Father that can give them everything I can’t? Do I want to spend my life fighting a losing battle or, do I want to spend my energy giving my boys an ally that has already won every battle?
I know I have a lot of flaws and regardless of my intentions, those flaws are going to shine through in my parenting. I will have bad days when I get frustrated, I’m going to say the wrong thing and at some points I’m going to hurt my kids. The mistakes are going to leave a mark one way or another. The only real question is how deep will the cut be and therefore how big of a scar will it leave. Not only will my mistakes leave their mark, but they will undoubtedly face their own battles in life. Battles I can’t fight for them; some I won’t know about and others I just won’t be there for them like I would like to be. Others battles I just simply won’t be able to win. I must be honest, when I look at it like this, the future for my kids looks pretty bleak.
Even though I know, I will do everything I can to help them throughout their lives. I will use every ounce of strength I have to fight for them. I will sacrifice my time to be there when they need me. I will use all of my knowledge to guide them past the pitfalls. I will spend every dollar I can spare to make sure they not only have what they need, but also bless them with gifts as often as I can. At the end of the day I’m not strong enough to fight and win every battle. I don’t have enough time to be there every time for all time. I don’t have enough wisdom to tell them everything they need to know. I will never have enough money to give them everything they need and desire. But the good news is I know somebody capable of doing all those things.
I know somebody that can heal any wounds I inflict and prevent the scars from forming. He has already defeated every evil in the world and even death itself. He is not only eternal but he is everywhere all the time so I know he will never leave my son’s side. He is all knowing and is willing to share the knowledge with us if we only ask. His riches are eternal and beyond measure. I know I can’t be the father I want to be but thanks to God I can be the father I need to be. Then I will let Him do the rest. I will raise my sons to know Him, not so I can shirk off my responsibilities, but because a father will give his kids any advantage he can and what better advantage can I offer than being a child of the One True King? I still want them to come to me with their problems. I still want to help them and to give them advice, but I know when I can’t, God can. Knowing God can and will allows me to shed the weight of my guilt and inabilities not only to do a better job for my kids but to enjoy the time with my kids. I want my kids to have as many allies as possible. Sometimes when the pain is so great, it is hard to call out to God. When that happens, I will be there and I will use my voice to call out to God for them until we can call out together. Sometimes the shame is so great it is hard to go to our parents and when that happens I want them to call to God so He can remind them, the love of a father is unconditional and I will never reject them.
I still hope if my kids are ever interviewed, they will speak fondly of me and have great memories to retell. I still hope they relay some profound wisdom I shared which helped to guide them. However, what I can promise you is my kids will know God. They will know His love and His provision. They will know His kindness and share it with the world. They will know the name of Jesus and the mercy He showed on the cross. If I can leave my kids knowing Elohim, I will know they can know where to find the answers to all of life’s questions. At the end of the day, what more can I ask for?
Author: Nick Schroeder
I am 32 years old. I have been blessed with a wonderful wife and 3 amazing sons. I have loved to write for a long time, but have just recently found the confidence (Thanks to amazingly supportive friends and family) to actually start sharing that with more than just my closest family and friends.
View all posts by Nick Schroeder
