I have been a part of several conversations where young women were talking about how they control their relationships. Their significant others jump at their command and never have the final say. Some of these involved kids that were from exes, where the new boyfriends were expected to be a part of the kid’s life and help protect and provide for the child, but had no say in the discipline. In fact, one mother had forbidden her boyfriend from correcting her child. Another mother wouldn’t even allow her child’s father to discipline.
All of these women are flabbergasted to hear about my marriage where I am the leader of the house and the final decision maker. What they imagine is a wife who is treated as an under-appreciated maid. I try to explain that our reality looks much different, and I have, on many occasions, tried to explain that they need to allow their “men” to be men. However, it dawned on me recently, they aren’t dating men. Instead, they are dating twenty-five, thirty, and thirty-five year old boys. They don’t know how to be men. They aren’t ready to be men and all too often it seems they don’t want to be men.
What happened? What happened to boys growing up to be men? Why isn’t this happening anymore? Why are boys growing up to be…well boys? I have noticed several factors at play in this epidemic. I don’t think that I will be able to get to all of it, but I will try my best to paint a clear picture of what I believe is causing this.
Let’s start with the media, because it’s easiest to blame people I don’t know personally. As a culture, we have been flooded with material that depicts men as imbeciles. It has been ongoing and quite clever in its marketing campaign. The constant depiction of husbands as insensitive buffoons and fathers as clueless overgrown children is funny to both men and women. I am all for the idea that we have to be able to laugh at ourselves. However, this constant barrage has left the realm of friendly poking fun and entered into destructive propaganda.
It is hard to watch T.V. without being bombarded with shows, movies, and even commercials where men are displayed as helpless beings that constantly need to be watched, and bailed out by their wives sometimes even their kids. Fathers are shown as being incapable of caring for their children often being scolded by their wives for the trouble they have caused. In a lot of commercials it seems that men are typically the creators of the messes that only the best cleaning products are able to take care of. We watch these things and laugh, oblivious to how they are changing our perceptions of men.
A couple years back I was at Wal-Mart and grabbed a doll for my niece’s birthday present. I tossed it in the basket along with everything else I needed to purchase. Walking around the store that day I was stopped twice by women in a panic thinking my baby was in my shopping cart and I had carelessly piled things on top of her. Although I didn’t show it at the time, I was deeply offended. Do you really think I’m that stupid? Would you have reacted the same way if it had been my wife alone at the store pushing the cart? I seriously doubt it. My wife has been asked if she was nervous after telling friends the kids were at home with me. I have received strange looks while I’m out in public with my kids alone, as if my kids were in danger simply because they were with me. I’ve also been given kudos from strangers for “babysitting” my kids. I’m their father that term doesn’t apply to me. Does their mother babysit? No, she “raises” her children. Please, don’t cheapen my role.
I understand that when people give me kudos they are attempting to encourage something that they don’t see often enough. The problem I have is I’m not doing anything special. I’m a father and I’m acting like a father. Would you congratulate a mother for a task as mundane as taking her kids to the store? Probably not, it is expected from her. “She’s just doing her job.” Well, so am I. If you treat me like I’m special then you are perpetuating the lie that it shouldn’t be expected from fathers. As for the people giving me dirty looks, if seeing me alone with my kids makes you nervous or uncomfortable, that is your problem, not mine.
Let men be fathers to their children. We won’t interact with our kids the same way a mother would, but that’s O.k. The love is just as real. Don’t correct and second guess a man out of being a father. Don’t make a man so uncomfortable that he is lacking the confidence to care for his own children.
Society calls us stupid and then wonders why we don’t have the answers. They call us weak and hopeless then curses the lack of “strong” men. It tells us we don’t know how parent our kids, but screams, “deadbeat,” when we step away. Are you seeing the irony here?
Now I will focus on women, since I’m still not ready to blame myself. Let’s start with the obvious, “man bashing.” It may seem like harmless fun, but it is actually remarkably destructive. In private it only feeds the fire and in time will turn into resentment, exactly the same as women bashing. When it is done openly in front of the husband you are slowly chipping away at his confidence. You may think you are just looking for a laugh, but the problem is they are laughing at your husband. You are turning him into a joke. What if your husband told his friends and their wives that you were a horrible cook, messy and always had bad breath? Well, first of all, everyone would probably attack your husband as an insensitive jerk, because we accept man-bashing as harmless fun but consider women bashing as misogyny. After that, I’m sure you would be humiliated and angry at your husband.
This bashing becomes even more dangerous if you are doing it in front of children. Young women not only learn that they shouldn’t respect their future husbands, but they shouldn’t respect their fathers either. Young men have to watch a man that should be their biggest hero be dragged through the mud and torn apart by the women that should be displaying what he should look for in a wife. Constantly hearing men are stupid pigs, insensitive jerks and a myriad of other insults makes a young boy feel guilty and ashamed about being a man. When you man bash you aren’t just speaking bad about your husband. You are also attacking your brothers, fathers, grandfathers and sons. Would you want a woman to talk about them that way?
Another thing that I have seen is women that try to “mother” their husband. You simply can’t treat your husband like a child. Don’t get me wrong we love that you are nurturing and caring. However, I have seen women try to instill rules on their husbands as you would a child. They demand the man call on every break and check in everywhere they go. Now, I understand that broken trust is an issue in some relationships, but parenting your husband is not the answer. This won’t teach your husband to be a better man. You simply can’t mother your husband into being the man you want and need him to be.
Last, I would like to ask one favor from the women of the world. Please encourage your sons and husbands to be the men they were created to be. Men often will not speak up to tell you that they need your encouragement. We have been lied to and made to believe that we have to be strong enough to do everything on our own. So let me be the one to speak up; we are desperate for the approval of our wives and mothers. We need to hear you telling us that we are capable. I can’t promise that this will be an action that you will receive audible praise for, but I can nearly guarantee that you will see a difference in the way your husband carries himself. Encouraging your husband will also be encouraging your sons and dispell the shame and guilt that is often put on men in our society. When our wives and mothers are encouraging, we can withstand much more criticism from the outside world. The world seems determined to emasculate the men of the world so please be a voice of encouragement in the life of your husbands. I promise you it will make a huge difference.
O.K. men, it’s our turn and this will probably hurt a little. Let’s start by eliminating some of the lies of what a man is. It is not decided by how strong you are, how many fights you have won, how many women you have been with, the size of your truck or how tough you are. It has nothing to do with your ability to work on cars, build shelves or fix a water heater. It doesn’t mean you moved out, pay bills or have a job. It doesn’t automatically happen when you turn eighteen or have a child, in fact for some it never happens. These are nothing more than childish measures of an adult issue.
Now that we have that out of the way let’s get to the real issue. Men, we have been selfish! Society has played a role but as men, we have walked away from our posts. We decided we didn’t want the responsibility of being a man. Instead, we wanted to just have fun and serve ourselves. Maybe some of us provide for our families, but we only do it so they will leave us alone to do what we want to do. It is time for us to return to our positions. We have been gone for far too long! Take a look around you. The world needs us to step up as real men, to take our places in our family, community, workplace, church and cities.
What does it mean to be a man? Men are to love and follow God. We are to seek him first in our lives. We should be men of prayer. We are called out to be the spiritual leaders in our homes. We are to be providers and protectors. We should stand firm in our beliefs not abandoning them to avoid conflict. We should be loving and kind. We should stand as pillars of strength in a world of uncertainty. We should be hard-working. We need to be men of integrity standing for what is right and rejecting sin. We have to admit when we are wrong as well as when we have done wrong. These are just some of the qualities of what a man is called and designed to be. I haven’t pulled these out of thin air instead I have looked at biblical passages and examples to create this description.
As I’m sure you have noticed, when I started to describe a man I immediately started to describe a Godly man. Well, God is our creator. Being the One that created and designed man he is the only one that is qualified to tell me what I am meant and designed to be. After all, if I want to know why my car isn’t working I don’t call up the phone company for answers. God says man was created to love, serve and worship Him. Therefore, the only conclusion that I can draw is the only type of real man is a Godly man.
You see the Bible isn’t just giving us suggestions on the type of men that we could choose to be. It isn’t just another marriage book telling us how we can fix our marriages in seven easy steps. The Bible is the blueprint for what we should and were designed to be. It is telling us how to fill our roles as God’s servants, husbands, fathers, and leaders. When we actively seek out our position in God’s plan and dedicate ourselves to fulfilling our role, we will find that other people have a much easier time recognizing our position as men. When your wife sees a man of integrity that seeks to serve God and his family, she will find it much easier to trust you, and once you have earned her trust she will find it much easier to be led by you. When a father speaks to his children with love and mercy, the child will find it much easier to accept his lead as well. We are called to be the heroes that our families need us to be.
With that in mind, I would like to speak specifically on how a man should relate to his family. A man should be the head of the household. However, I also think this idea is often misunderstood. I don’t mean men should be dictators. My wife and I discuss decisions together. She explains her side and I explain mine, but if we can’t come to an agreement, the final decision is left to me. I don’t do it because I want control. I do it out of obedience to God and love for my wife. I also pay the bills so my wife asks me before she spends money. Not because I’m an overbearing control-freak, but because I know what has been paid and what needs to be paid. It is not about a lack of respect or trust. I respect my wife as a strong Godly woman, and trust her completely. I don’t see it as a sign of weakness that she allows me to lead her, but rather a sign of strength that she submits to what God has called her to do. Men do not abuse this responsibility. Remember, God also calls us to love our wives as Jesus loved the church: meaning we should be willing to sacrifice our own lives for our wives. Sometimes people mistake this for an excuse for men to do whatever they want. However, honestly it would be far easier and less stressful to not lead my family. By being the one that makes the final decision, I also accept full responsibility for the consequences to those decisions. As a provider, I put my family before myself, and being the protector means always being vigilant of both spiritual and physical dangers.
Many people, both men and women, argue that everything should be equal in the home. There shouldn’t be a dominate force everything should be a joint decision. This idealistic view just isn’t grounded in reality. We all recognize that in the workplace we need designated leaders to take charge and make the tough decisions, right? Well, it is the same in the home. You won’t always be able to come to an agreement and at that time somebody has to take the lead. Sometimes decisions need to be made quickly and you won’t have time to discuss them; this is when it is important to have someone that is designated as the leader to make that decision quickly and decisively. Men are called by God to be that someone.
Our greatest role as men is to be the spiritual leader of our families. We should always be leading our families towards God. We should read our Bibles, pray and seek relationships with God. We should invite our wives to read and pray alongside of us. We should read and pray with our children, as our children grow we should be teaching them more and more about God. As their spiritual leaders, we can’t allow our sons and daughters to go out into the world without the tools and knowledge to be men and women of God, seeking God and resisting temptation. We are called to love, teach and discipline our children. Far too many homes don’t have a father figure, or they have a father that doesn’t interact with his children in any meaningful way. It is not enough to just be there. We can’t just be a warm body. Children need their father to take an active role; the role that God has called us to fill. We can’t choose to fill one role and ignore the rest. Many fathers are great providers but after spending 60 plus hours at work they simply don’t have the energy to be active in their families. This type of workload simply can’t be customary. If it is necessary for a season, then do what is needed to provide, but a father has to be present to fulfill his role.
As men we will teach our sons how to be men. We will teach them how to treat their wives and others with love and respect. We will teach them how to interact with God. We will teach our daughters what behaviors she should accept in a husband and what she is worth as a woman. If we degrade and speak poorly of our wives she will not demand any higher of a standard from the man she marries. If we look at women as sexual objects then she will look to sex to catch the affection of men. By our actions, they will begin to paint a picture of what a man, husband and father looks like. Please, we must be intentional about the example we are setting for our sons and daughters.
I know that we face opposition from all around attempting to steal our confidence, to challenge our masculinity and mock our strength, but we can’t let that deter us. We have a role, a God given mission that we were designed for. Some of the hostility comes from Satan. He does everything he can to keep men from stepping up and manning our guard posts. He knows that if the men of the world stand up to guard our families and communities, he will have a much harder time operating to destroy our families and poison our culture. The other opposition, like from the ladies I mentioned before comes from not having seen a real man, but instead boys parading in men’s clothing. Boys that try to take what they want through aggression and force. Boys that believe they are entitled to all the benefits without any of the effort. These so-called men are destroying our reputation. It is time to take it back.
Men, it’s time to wake up! We must act now. Let’s stop demanding respect and start being respectable. Stop crying for trust and be men of integrity. Stop flexing our muscles and show our true strength. It is time we put away childish things and rise up as the men God has always called us to be.
Please understand this is not the exhortation of a man that has it all together. Instead, this is the plea of someone who spent much of his adult life trying to decide what a man really was. I was lucky enough to have a few different strong men in my life that I could look to for example, and even luckier to have had my eyes open to God’s call on my life. I am not perfect; in fact, I am far from it. I am not calling for anyone to be more like me, but instead stating that we should be more like Jesus. I am not asking you to follow me into the fire but instead begging you to stand next to me so you can pick me up when I fall and pull me back when I try to run away. I request that you let me do the same for you. We will stand together; we will fight together, and we will reclaim our places as men.
